My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 1), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder. I have the avoidance and shutdown presentation of PTSD so usually intense emotions are shutdown as so triggering. I can only access anger when mood VERY elevated (high end of hypomania or into mania).
Mania is like a bigger wave of hyperarousal energy, hypomania like a smaller wave. Ripples like everyday experiences. Mood episodes with bipolar last several days, weeks or even months. I may have shorter periods of elevated mood with PTSD also. You are mostly seeing me intensely processing PTSD in this video. But it also looks like bipolar mania. However it is distinguished, I am still in an irritable mood and processing something intensely painful then feel a release and calmer. I have usually done this without speaking (my paintings, writing etc)
This is one of my most important videos. I am irritable in elevated mood (hypomania, mania). Processing one of my most painful core wounds since childhood. Denied a voice.
It is very intense but some processing takes place in this video. This is why I do what I do. Why I painted my paintings, wrote my novel, made over 300 videos etc. To have a voice. To be heard. So that others who are vulnerable are heard to. My novel, Pet Purpose is currently being proof-read by a friend and I will be releasing it as an e-book very soon.
Some indicators of elevated/mixed mood (which can be both bipolar and PTSD) for me include:
– talking faster & urgently (pressure of speech)
– euphoric or irritable or angry (I am both irritable and express anger & pain in this video)
– more fidgeting/tics, restless
– very intense
– will stand up for myself and others and fight back instead of avoiding
– room gets messy, difficulty with basic things like preparing meals
– more conflict with others
– less sleep (around 6h on meds with hypomania, around 2h with mania despite meds)
– fearless (I impulsively splatted a spider with my bare hands even though usually have a phobia)
– swearing more
– high energy
– may have extended periods of irritability or euphoria or anxiety
I am on meds yet don’t want the bipolar suppressed as I process trauma and grief with the mood shifts. I processed something huge in this video and after the huge wave, felt calmer.
My novel Pet Purpose is a semiautobiographical story about a character trying to resolve the trauma from her past. Themes include pets, disabilities, bipolar, PTSD, trauma, relationships, love, friendships. All my artwork has actually been processing as well as visual mindmaps to help organise my brain for the novel Pet Purpose and Soar Purpose (sequel yet to write but have most of the material for now).
Also mentioned how meltdowns and shutdowns are different sides of same coin. My son had meltdowns (Aspergers autism, ADHD diagnosis). I had more shutdowns (less frequent, less severe now).