What a C-PTSD Flashback Looks & Feels Like for a Survivor of Narcissistic Relationship Abuse Trauma



C-PTSD symptoms need to be talked about when it comes to Christian women who are on a narcissistic abuse recovery journey like me, after narcissistic relationship abuse in the marriage, after being diagnosed with Complex PTSD. I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse trauma in my marriage in 2016. C-PTSD flashbacks are intense and unbearable. This PTSD flashback caught on camera is being published for all those Christian women who feel alone and broken in the fake, staged, and photoshopped world of toxic positivity and maniac happiness.

This PTSD flashback on camera shows you that everyone’s life sometimes rocks and sometimes sucks. Yet, life is worth living! My C-PTSD flashbacks experience is here to show you what my real life is like. Still, I love God, life, and living. C-PTSD after narcissistic abuse is the most commonly reported among my viewers, which is why my videos have no music. Trauma after narcissistic abuse is hidden and shameful. But it’s time to step out of pretentious perfect Christian make-believe habitual delusional living and step into our real reality! C- PTSD flashbacks are a part of our real reality as narcissistic abuse trauma survivors. Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse is a part of my reality. Here I am… experiencing a narc abuse C-PTSD flashback today.

This raw video shows what a real everyday C-PTSD flashback panic attack feels and looks like in a life of a survivor of Narcissistic Relationship Abuse Trauma. My wedding pictures sent to me today became the PTSD narcissistic abuse triggers. Five years ago today on 5/14/2016, I walked down the aisle and said “I do!” to a man who devalued, disregarded, disrespected, dehumanized, devastated, and discarded me. Today I received a Shutterfly email: “Congratulations on your big day five years ago, here are your wedding pictures!”

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Poems unmasking the narcissist:

Poem I wrote today “C-PTSD Flashbacks”

I feel fluid, hollow, lucid, and unreal. I’m not sure how to explain exactly what I feel.
I’m crying and hoping that through this poem my emotions themselves will reveal.

Without notice, from where my body still is, I myself can all of a sudden disappear.
Whatever is happening there where my body is, I myself can no longer see or hear.

I’m somewhere else, in the past, far away, years ago, experiencing narcissistic abuse.
To keep this a secret, to hide from my truth, to pretend to be happy, I absolutely refuse.

I’m feeling hollow, lucid, flat, immaterial, disembodied, metaphysical, and abstract.
I’m feeling like a 1000 bricks were dumped on me and I am crushed by their impact.

This is what it feels like to experience a flashback from narcissistic abuse C-PTSD.
That’s why many narcissistic victims are regularly contemplating: to be or not to be…

I’m overwhelmed by my C-PTSD flashbacks, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, and heavy grief.
I cry and pray to allow my nervous system to experience from tension a temporary relief.

I just want this to stop. I want to be present, real, tangible, embodied, and grounded.
I want to stay here and enjoy all God’s blessings, with which I am surrounded.

But no… without any notice, without a warning, all of sudden, I can just disappear.
I’m gone. I’m not here. I’m overwhelmed by the memories of my past trauma and fear.

Still, I hold on to my body and after a while, I finally come back to being myself in reality.
This is a lot to handle… still, I appreciate my life and do my best to improve its quality.

My life sometimes rocks and sometimes sucks, but the sucking isn’t what I focus on.
Yes, I go through C-PTSD flashbacks regularly, but after each panic attack, I still genuinely, joyfully, peacefully, gratefully…

by the grace of God…

move on.

5/14/2021 © Anna Szabo, JD, MBA

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