Peaceful Places- The Mountains



I’m naked right now. Totally nude. I’ve got titties. I’m a grown man and I’ve got titties! Oh, cruel Fate! You’re not my best friend right now. I once appreciated titties and wanted some. I got them too, only not the way I’d hoped for. I didn’t mean on me, for crap sake! Not me! Why do you have to be such a dick? Why I oughtta…. youuuuu…youuu… I’m talking to you. I don’t see anybody else around here, so I must be talking to you. You talking to me? Are you talking to me? To paraphrase a thought: I so want to beat you to a pulp right now.
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How can you give someone $63 using six bills, without using any one dollar bills?
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A mother has 6 girls and each of them has a brother. How many children are there?
“11?”
“No! Stupid.”
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When spelled, I am a question. When shouted, I am a command. I am great for your heart, but hard on the sand. What am I?
***
Sometimes I am born in silence,
Other times, no.
I am unseen,
But I make my presence known.
In time, I fade without a trace.
I harm no one,
but I am unpopular with all.
What am I?
***
What do you call a person that doesn’t fart in public?
“A closet farter?”
“Shut up.”
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When set loose
I fly away,
Never so cursed
As when I go astray.
What could I be?
“Duh, I don’t know? A fart?”
“Spot on, mate! Spot on!”
***
My doctor just told me I have bipolar disorder.
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.
***
I checked out a brothel and spent time with a bipolar Asian girl last night. Don’t think I’ll be ordering sweet & sour off the menu again any time soon.
***
I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder.
One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down.
***
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
***
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
***
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
***
When you’re neckin’ with yer honey
And your nose is kinda runny
You might think it’s funny…
But it’s not.
***
Q: What’s the only thing that grows in St Louis? A: The Crime Rate!

Q: Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Missouri? A: Because they couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Words you should know: Bamboozled, Cattywampus, Discombobulate, Flabbergast, Foppish, Jalopy, Lothario, Scrupulous, Tergiversate, Xenophobia, Enema.

Source: Youtube