Mixed mood bipolar, processing PTSD & grief with colour. Painful muscles. Shutdown emotions.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). PTSD is avoidance and shutdown presentation.

When I feel emotions, they are incredibly intense which then triggers shutdown again. I have my emotions shutdown most of the time.

In my last video, I expressed some controlled anger. But still seemed relatively calm outwardly. I wasn’t fully feeling the anger but did feel some hyperarousal. I can only access it fully when manic.

Currently in mixed mood (features of mania and depression at the same time). My whole body is in pain, especially my shoulders. I think it’s from muscles painfully contracting. Tends to happen with mixed episodes.

A lot of my processing involves colours which all symbolise different things – even opposite things with same colour. Some objects are symbolic too, like the eggs. The eggs stand for me, mainly. Although the paua one also symbolised a friendship.

The Thomas paint splat train mainly represents my son (Thomas was his favourite when he was little and I am separated from him different countries).

I process with music too. Even if I cry. Then change the song.

I renamed all the eggs. Symbolic for my own name change from PTSD.

I was listening to The One I Love (REM) and wrote out some of the lyrics as listened. This is also one way I process. Devine Fire Goddess, was mainly painted to this song.

Source: Youtube