My name is Xanthe Wyse. I have been sharing some of my lived experiences learning to manage bipolar disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Recently I have been under a lot of stress (even though from positive accomplishments like a second solo art as therapy exhibition). My brain has been doing a LOT of processing which is very taxing.
My brain sees links and associations and meaningful coincidences (‘synchronicities’) to extreme levels. Which makes it hard to function in ‘everyday’ life. I enjoy the synchronicities (unless they turn to terror) and use them in my creative expression.
I went into a euphoric high today for at least half an hour. Euphoria feels amazing but I also think it’s a form of dissociation into pleasure. I can bring myself down safely with music and dance movements. I recorded the tail-end of it on my Facebook page, Bipolar Courage to show what euphoria can look like.
I was very scatterbrained and forgetful today and basically ‘lost’ around 4 hours of time. This made working very difficult. I have been managing flexible part-time work for over 2 years now. With some autonomy.
Meds don’t take away the bipolar and PTSD but meds and therapy have helped me to make it more manageable and less distressing to live with.
I was fidgeting by rubbing my hand on the fin of my oil column heater. It was like self-soothing and grounding for me. Some people call this ‘stimming’.
I was partially dissociating in this video, which felt like I wasn’t fully present. Like a brain fog. Unable to think clearly and quite a lot of effort in speaking. I can dissociate from mild to severe. I am also partly shutdown and not feeling my emotions in this video.
It’s either one extreme or the other for me with very little in between. High energy or no energy. Intense emotions (sometimes) or (usually) unable to feel my emotions.
It probably looked strange, but holding the fluffy toy owl to my cheek was comforting. Rubbing my hand on the warm top fins of the heater was also soothing and grounding. Also the rocking. It was all subconsious but I become aware after a while that I do it. This is why. The most common reason I move though is to discharge energy.