Facing fears, taking control, death triggers, PTSD from sexual abuse.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I have had PTSD for over 40 years, which worsened after more trauma as an adult. The bipolar also was misdiagnosed as treatment resistant depression and also got worse.

I have done a LOT of processing. It’s important if seeking out from the past to come back to the present. Can be very triggering, so take care. I listen to music that fits my mood which helps me face the past. Only too as much as I feel I need to so don’t get overwhelmed.

Today I went back to the cemetery to seek out a headstone which is now there since I was last there. After a family member of the person contacted me. There is an error somewhere as the headstone and online records have one digit wrong – one says 3, other says 8. I am matching up with what I remember as there are dozens of links. Including date of my friend’s accident, death etc. My mind notices links and connections to the extreme.

Yet my mind also blanks things out to the extreme. Memories are actually there but my mind blanks them out. I remember strange stuff connected. Putting together the puzzle of all the links has been part of my processing. All the links are potential PTSD triggers. I avoid extremely but then face my fears when my mood is elevated.

Being dismissed was a massive trauma trigger. It is one of the themes in my semi-autobiographical novel, Pet Purpose, which I will upload as an e-book soon (friend currently proof-reading).

I was listening to I’m Free (Kenny Loggins) which has lyrics that inspire me.

Source: Youtube