My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder. When my mood is elevated, it overrides my social anxiety.
Was in the mood for You Outta Know by Alanis Morisette, which I listened to multiple times on repeat. Danced with one of the records I wrote parts of song lyrics on a while back, processing shutdown anger from rape trauma.
I tend to go ‘high’ or ‘low’ rather than feel intense emotions as emotions most of the time. So a bit ‘high’ in this video – tend to go a bit elevated when doing a lot of processing.
The records were part of a sculpture that went into an exhibition then I cut up again. The CouRage dragon sculpture is made from cut up process art and stuff from the op shop.
The little egg is wearing a golden lasso, representing ‘compelled to tell the truth’ after raged at.
The scratched up record represents PTSD. I filmed some of creating it. It looked a bit weird as you can’t hear the music (can’t play out loud with copyright). But movement is the opposite to being shutdown, so movement to music and some form of creative expression was how I had a voice without speaking with my mouth. Which is how I did most of my PTSD processing.
Gradually, I gained more fluency to express with speaking too. But I am more fluent with visual arts and then writing as my forms of communication. Even though my improvised dancing isn’t that great, it’s actually one of my favourite ways to express myself. Therapeutic and helps to discharge the energy (which otherwise will turn to anxiety).
I made the sign for another video where I smashed up an old laptop that was one connected to my former pet sitting business and also name change in the psychiatric hospital. The sledgehammer represented what it is like being smashed apart by trauma.
I changed my name because it became a trauma trigger after rape. It became a trigger just before I had a breakdown, after months of trying to suppress it. I was in hospital for 2 months after the breakdown.
I didn’t take it to court because the court system can be retraumatising for victims/survivors. I am telling my story and being called a liar by the social circle my ex has lied to. I will be releasing my memoir soon about what happened. It was originally published, raw under a pen name. It was written as my marriage was falling apart, just before the breakdown. I am currently editing it and will republish as Bipolar Cringe, after I have done a lot of trauma processing (mostly my own ways, plus 2 years of weekly therapy with a trauma psychologist). I am still permanently disabled from PTSD.