Anxiety and processing trauma triggers. PTSD. Sexual abuse trauma.

My name is Xanthe Wyse. Diagnosed bipolar 1 disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), social anxiety disorder.

Didn’t have the best sleep last night so very fatigued. Bit anxious today as been processing which I acknowledge with photos of symbolic objects (like visual diary) and messy mind map in journal.

I get more anxious when 1. I avoid my emotions 2. I am getting closer to some big trauma triggers. Process at my own pace. Need to experiment with mixing some paints to decide on a colour palette to keep fresh and simple.

Not sure how well you will follow me but I mention some of the symbolic links for me in metaphor related to what I have been processing. Everything – colours, names, objects can be related back to trauma somehow and be potential triggers for PTSD. As how I experience it. Some things more than others. I put some things away so not currently seen as currently have an urge to smash things. But I want to keep some symbolic objects for now to help me remember the most important things for my novels.

I want to paint a part-Maori goddess – a stylised composite character. To reframe sexual abuse trauma connected to it. I want to try transform the pain into beauty. I hope she doesn’t scare me but want to face my fears.

Have put the lightbulb, paua shell with perfume ‘trigger’ bottle, paua egg on window behing curtain so not easily seen. Put the kereru cushion into a wardrobe.

Keruru, fantail, worm connected to Maori myths with Maui and Hine-nui-te-po (goddess of the night).

Source: Youtube