I’m Jessica Whitely and I’m going to share my story.
This story is told as a survivor and no longer a victim. I waited nine years to share this story. I think it’s time to release the truth, so let’s cut to the chase.
I have a severe form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD.) This is the kind soldiers get from the battlefield. My battlefield wasn’t with rifles and nuclear bombs. It was a rare occasion most people on this planet can’t relate to, nationwide television exposure. My television airings on American Idol diagnosed me with PTSD.
I was aired two times: age 19 and age 26. Since 2012 at 19 years old, I have not been normal. I was robbed of a normal teenage perspective of self. Television portrayed me as a massive joke, a crazy person that can’t sing. Trapped in the perspective of this contestant, I lost all self worth. In 2019, I aired again which reopened the wounds of my previous airing.
The trauma triggers me to see myself only as a victim. This caused massive fears of never being good enough or never finding success. I blame myself for things that arnt my fault. I feel the need to always explain myself, or feel an impulse to humiliate or reject myself because that’s all I deserved. I have had panic attacks, and nightmares. I have been in survival mode many times, desiring death over living.
I have hurt many people who witnessed my distorted mindset, but mostly I have hurt myself, having no confidence or comfort in my own skin. I’m still healing from these lies.However, many don’t know I was falsely edited. The American Idol waiver says they can chop my head off and put it on someone else’s body. Too bad they just alternated my auto, perceiving pitchy notes that were never filmed. My “ pitchy performance” was a lie. But I sincerely forgive the executive producers, Nigel and Megan.
My rejections are my sanctity. They formed me to be more liken the suffering Jesus on Calvary. This is my testimony for Christ. As a devote Roman Catholic, I can offer it up for the salvation of souls, especially souls in the music industry. The Holy Trinity predestined this for me. I will gladly be a little saint of rejection if God wills. I will continue to fight for my life, to survive the attack of my self worth. My worth lies in Christ Jesus, my Savior.